• Green V-neck cotton sweater (last seen here) from Ann Taylor Loft– $14.99 on sale
• Red pencil skirt (last seen here) by Teri Jon via Loehmann’s– $9.97
• Goldtone pendant necklace (last seen here) from Kohl’s– $9.99 on sale
• Gold platform peep-toes (last seen here) from Steve Madden via Filene’s Basement– $12

In my defense, the party had a dual Christmas/Italy theme, so I didn’t really have a choice. 

But the baggy fit isn’t really helping my case any.

I don’t know, man– I’ve already taken this skirt in.  And this sweater is just not retaining its shape, or I’ve lost weight since last fall, or something.  Between this and the moths, I’m ready for this $250 limit to be lifted, but it’s neither the end of the year, nor the 250th outfit.  I can see it’s time I enrolled in the advanced class.  Lesson One: Holiday Dressing: Beyond Red and Green.

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• Red Merino wool sweater (last seen here) from Calvin Klein Collection (couture!) via Filene’s Basement– $12.49
• Black pants (last seen here) from Bloomie’s Aqua via Filene’s Basement– $6 on clearance
• Chunky green necklace (last seen here) from Lane Bryant– $15 on sale
• Faux tortoiseshell headband from Claire’s– $3 or4
• Rubber-bottomed red heels (last seen here) from Aerosoles– $29.99 on sale

So I was minding my own business, enjoying my mom’s cookie-baking and tree-decorating pre-pre-holiday casual get-together/colloquy and posing for silly photos when it happened.

I gestured empathically and caught a glimpse, on my elbow, of the indescribable horror. 

Holes!

In my sweater! 

My very expensive (not that I paid a lot for it, but still!) designer wool sweater!!!

Had I snagged it on a tree branch?  Caught it in the oven?

Nay, my mom diagnosed the problem: moths.

I guess it’s the dazzling array of synthetics I favor, but I’ve never really had a moth problem.  And in this day and age, it seems almost ludicrous.  Insects!  That destroy your clothing!!! 

I mean, really?  We can put a man on the moon and cheese right in the crust of a pizza, but we can’t stop WILD ANIMALS FROM EATING OUR CLOTHING?! 

What is this?  The Middle Ages?

Thankfully, Ye Olde Internette is still working, and has a few helpful moth-related tips I thought I’d share.

• Apparently moths are tricky little buggers and can slip into your closet (or bag of winter clothes you shoved under your bed– and by “you,” I mean me) pretty much undetected.  Here’s a surprising lepidopteran hideaway– the vacuum cleaner.  So change the (easily gnawed-through) bags a lot more often than I do.
• Mothballs will do the trick, but given their toxicity, potential for abuse (kids these days…) and the fact that they are a known carcinogen, you might want to stick to cedar chips or botanicals like these.  Or just soak some cotton balls in lavender oil– they should work almost as well, and they smell a heck of a lot better than 1,4-dichlorobenzene.
• You may be able to repair small holes like I did with my green sweater* by just darning them from the inside.  I’ll probably attempt this first, because…
• A  knitting expert or well-trained seamstress can fix these things for you pretty seamlessly, but it might not be worth it unless it’s an heirloom or an item that’s expensive to replace.  Most such repairs start at $20, but ask your favorite tailor– you never know what magic can be worked on a budget.
• When all else fails, throw a pin or a brooch on top of the hole and hope no one notices.  Admittedly, this works better when the hole is on the chest or lapel, and less-so when it’s on, you know– your elbow.

Merry Christmas to all!  And to moths, a good night!

—

*Actually not moth holes, but its pretty much the same idea.

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• Black asymmetrical shawl-collar jacket (last seen here) from Kenneth Cole via (of course) Filene’s Basement– $18 on sale
• Green V-neck cotton sweater (mended here) from Ann Taylor Loft– $14.99 on sale
• Black pants (last seen here) from Bloomie’s Aqua via Filene’s Basement– $6 on clearance
• Arabic name necklace (last seen here), a gift from my BFF
• Purple peep-toes from Next via FB– $15

It’s not a suit, it just plays one on the Internet.

I haz a black blazer, but what should I do with it? 

I mean, the suit look is totally fine and all, but I’m supposed to be pairing this thing with… what?  Jeans?  A floral dress maybe?

I guess I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought.  Like any other tailored piece, the blazer has remained something of a mystery to this curvy chick.  But this one fits me fine, so what have I been waiting for?  The December of my Pretty Year and just the second time I’ve worn this?  And both times as this snoozefest of a suit.

But where-oh-where can I get some inspiration?  If only there were some sort of… information… highway…  or superhighway… of some kind.

This look, from a member of ChicTopia, is pretty freakin’ cute.

And then there’s this classic combo, from the eerily familiar Chicisimo:

All I know is, as God is my witness!!! I will never wear this combo (on TPY) (this year) AGAIN!!!!

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• Leopard print wool cardigan (last seen here) from Ann Taylor Loft– $15 on sale, with coupon
• Green camisole (last seen here) from Banana Republic– $6.99
• ATLCurvy Bootcut Jeans (last seen oh-so-recently)– $20 on sale
• Brown faux-stone necklace, (last seen here), a gift from Ann Taylor
• SE Boutique reptile flats (last seen here) via FB– $28

Honestly, I’m not sure how I could have done half of what I’ve done this year without a photographer.  That lives in my house.

The above is pretty much what happens when I have to do things myself, on my 15-minute lunch break.  Moody?  Artistic?  Just plain cr@ppy?  Nah…  let’s go with moody and artistic.

I’m always kinda really reallyjealous when I see photos from Wardrobe Remixers like keikolynn and missvu (even without her head).  I don’t know if it’s equipment or talent, but they look good.  Not “artistic,” but artistically shot.  There’s composition going on.  Flattering angles.  Focus.  White balance.  That kind of thing.

I don’t think I’m the world’s worst model.  I do think it’s a little harder to look “good” when you don’t look like what we’re conditioned to seeing on TV and in print media.  You remember TV and print?  The standard-setters for our current milieu?  Not only are they professionals with literally jillions of dollars, but their models are tall and skinny and pose in tall-skinny-flattering ways.  When I try that hunched-over pigeon-toed stuff?  Not so much. 

Maybe the younger generation won’t have this prejudice.  What do you think?  When you’ve been inundated from birth with thousands of blurry, unedited slideshows (the disturbing downside of digital)– slideshows that appear right alongside slick webzines– maybe you become more open-minded.  In a way.  I know spending time on the Fatshionista LJ community always does my perspective a world of good. 

OTOH, there’s a whole batch of youngsters who are used to seeing even their junior high (nay, middle school) BFFs Photoshopped into mini-Mileys by age 11.  Not to mention, used to using acronyms like OTOH and BFF.  And children with veneers*. 

What do you think?  Is the Superfluous Information Age a good or a bad thing for body image and diversity of representation?  Not that we could stop it or aid it one way or the other, but it’s interesting to ponder.  Now, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I’m off to Google “white balance.”   

—

*And not turning around when folks walking behind start talking loudly.  Cell phones and bluetooths– blueteeth?– and all that.  Gets me every time.

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• Black long-sleeved dress (last seen here) by Donna Ricco via Loehmann’s– $12.49 on sale
• Black open-toed platform pumps (considered here) by Michael Kors via DSW– $17.50 on sale
• Black onyx and sterling silver choker, a gift from my sister-in-law via eBay

So I was all set to wear this pretty red “statement necklace” I got via that swap, and Diego stopped me.  “No, no, no.  When you have the figure and the shoes, no need to gild the lily.”

(Okay, so he didn’t say “gild the lily.”  That’s really more something I’d say.  I also say things like “sugarfoot!”  Or at least, I’d like to.)

Anyway– I was skeptical.

“Keep it classic!” he insisted.  “You taught me that!!”

Clearly I’ve created a monster, here.  Just one of the many unintended consequences of this little project.

So what do you think?  Does this outfit work?  Or could it have used a little color?

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• Tank dress by James Perse (purchased here) via Filene’s Basement– $30
• Pink rope belt from Gap Outlet– $1.68 on sale, with coupon
• Felt flower pin from who-knows-where-but-I-sure-do-wear-it-a-lot
• Green slingbacks (last seen– that was quick– here) from Etienne Aigner via Ross– $16.99

Okay, sorta.

It was a long, exhausting holiday week and a productive Black Friday, but I’m back!  True to my word, I hit 4 Filene’s and 2 Loehmann’s and was back in bed by 11.  Unfortunately, I was back out by 12 for work (!!!) and then a second Thanksgiving with my brother-in-law’s family.  That’s when the double-dose-of-triptophan-slash-total-lack-of-sleep kicked in.  I’m just now awaking from my ~weeklong hibernation.

How about you, those of you who are my fellow (Polar and Non-Polar) Americans? 

Any great day-after deals?  Fabulous outfits (yours or your great-aunt’s)?  Alternative celebrations?  Harrowing tales of airport fashion faux pas (plural)?  Pardon me while I wipe the sleep from my eyes and go find a nice fat seal.

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Okay, so the finale happened. There’s not much to say about it, since once it got down to the final two, everybody had a good idea who was going to win. And even if you didn’t, here’s a tip: when they walk into the final deliberation, the girl wearing the better dress is the winner. This has been true for all but two cycles (C8 Jaslene and C9 Saleisha’s dresses were awful but they both had better styling), and I have been foolproof in predicting a winner as a result.

But the interesting thing about Bloody Eyeball’s win is that she’s 5′7″. It was the tallest you could be to participate in the “petite cycle”, but it’s been the minimum height for all other cycles, so she could have won any other cycle. She’s also not the shortest winner! Infamous alum and reported Terrence Howard look-alike Eva from C3 is only 5′6″ and lied about her height to get on the show. So, yes, this cycle was a bust. But when are they not?

Lesson One: Don’t Be a Snot-Nosed Brat

While Bloody Eyeball was struggling with her CoverGirl mascara commercial that will never air, she was warned not to sound too snotty and privileged. Admittedly underprivileged, her response was, “I’d rather have boogers in my nose than sound snotty!” Well, aside from the nasty visual, I appreciate that Bloody Eyeball is concerned about coming off poorly. That was a very un-annoying thing to say.

I don’t get the idea that spokesmodels should be approachable. I don’t know a single consumer who would refuse to buy a product because the spokesperson seemed unrelatable. You know they’re just getting paid to shill. In keeping with the nasal theme, Bloody Eyeball could be picking her nose in the commercial and while I might think she was gross as hell, it wouldn’t affect how I feel about Exact Lash Blast mascara or whatever it’s called. I will purchase it anyway, because I’m a product junkie.

Lesson Two: Sashay, Shante

As time goes on, the final runway walk-off gets worse and worse. In Cycle 4, it was like, “Model in galoshes? …Okay.” Then in Cycle 7, it was “Model in a cave in bridal gear? …Okay.” Last cycle, it was, “Model in some dung? …Okay.”

But this runway wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t good, of course, but walking with a rag over your face into the wind (oh, I’m sorry; “the elements”) is a lot more palatable than writhing in mud. But it does make you wonder what’s to come. Next cycle, watch the final two face off on a cliff while wearing skis! Actually, that would be awesome.

Lesson Three: Hey La, Hey La, Our Boyfriend’s Back

My jaw hit the floor when the pictures for the Seventeen spread were shot by world-renowned fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon! Dude, Gilles Bensimon would appear on the show back when it was hinting at legitimacy. I figured he was part of the deal back when Elle did the winner’s spreads, so I wasn’t shocked when he disappeared after the switch. But to have him suddenly show up again is kind of like when you love someone but things don’t work out and then once you finally get over them, you get a random text message. And for a minute, you’re like, “Should I get reinvested in this?” And you tell yourself you’re too clearheaded to get bogged down in all of the nostalgia, but that only lasts for a couple of days because by the end of the week, you’re right back to drawing hearts around their name and figuring out which of you is going to move into the other’s apartment. So, Gilles Bensimon, I’m putting my foot down. Call it a preemptive strike if you want to, but I’m not going to be moved by your sweet talk until I see some consistency.

Alright. So that’s that. Bloody Eyeball (yes, I’m still calling her that; there’s already a winner named Nicole and it’s just confusing) won and I think she might actually do really well. So if you see her pushing her wheelbarrow through the streets of Milan, give her a high-five. As for me, I’ve got to limber up and prepare myself for Cycle 14. Who’s coming with me?

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Except you.

You get your holiday shopping done early, or late, or online, or you don’t have much holiday shopping to do at all.  A fine, upstanding citizen such as yourself has no need of “Black Friday,” right?

Wrong.  

Start a new holiday tradition.  Make Black Friday, (aka the day after American Thanksgiving), all about you. 

Why should you be left out just because you don’t need a Tickle-Me Hannah Montana Dream House with Robo Laser Vision?  You need gloves, don’t you?  Skinny jeans?  Cashmere?

To review:

Sleeping over in a Wal-Mart parking lot and hanging all your hopes on snagging one of four 49-cent plasma screen HD TVs actually in stock = No

Waking up early (but not insanely early), taking advantage of a couple of your favorite clothing stores and crawling back into your own, still-warm bed before noon = Yes, Please

If you’re like me and you need a new winter coat, or you just can’t pass up a chance to score cheap shoes (check and check), follow my tips for a Frugal Fashionista’s Black Friday.  They’ve gotta be worth something– last year I bought 4 pair of designer shoes for $40, two $70 bras for a total of $17 and a Gianfranco Ferre dress for about $40.  And I was back in bed by 11 am, long before the grandmotherly elbows came out in full force.

The Pretty Year’s Black Friday Tips:

• Do a little recon.  Before you make any plans, head over to a Black Friday site like GottaDeal and survey the landscape.  Macy’s fan?  Take $10 off your $25 purchase– on top of crazy deals like 50% off select boots.  Prefer Old Navy?  How about $15 jeans?  That’s every women’s and men’s jean in the store.   Don’t forget to grab some Performance Fleece for $5 and take an additional $10 off your purchase of $50 or more.  Of course, not every store is popular enough to be found on a Black Friday site.  If you haven’t already, sign up for promotional emails at your favorite store sites (or follow via Twitter or Facebook).  If I hadn’t been on the mailing list, I might not have known that Loehmann’s is offering Buy One Get One Half-Off deals and a $25 off your $50 purchase coupon.  As long as you’ve got that high speed Internet working for you, it wouldn’t hurt to Google folks’ BF experiences in previous years if you’re trying to decide which store to make your first stop, or what location is likely to be less crowded.

• Don’t sleep on outlet malls.  Literally.  A number of outlet chains (all heavy on the clothing options) have begun “Midnight Madness” traditions in recent years, with sales starting as soon as Black Friday does.  Prime Outlets, with locations across the US, is giving away free gift bags (including sleepwear) to the first 500 customers at each center who come in their PJs, not to mention markdowns at nearly every store.  Chelsea Premium Outlets also opens their locations at midnight.  A quick survey of the Chicago location shows deals from 20% off a single item at Calvin Klein to 50% off your entire purchase at Aeropostale.  Worth staying up for!
• Unless it’s a midnight sale, get out early– but not too early.  The great thing about shopping for clothes on Black Friday is that your favorite store is not most folks’ #1 destination.  Last year I decided to make Loehmann’s my first stop.  The first ~100 people in line got coupons for (something like) an additional $20 off any purchase of $40 or more– this, on top of their sale prices and specials.  I got to one of the most popular locations (Friendship Heights in DC) about 15 minutes before they opened.  I was Shopper #8.  Conclusion?  This isn’t Toys’R'Us or Best Buy.  No need to camp out overnight.

• Have a plan and have a coupon (or two).  First, sketch out the order in which you want to hit the shops.  Last year, I hit Loehmann’s first and then popped across the street to Filene’s Basement, because I figured the Loehmann’s “Doorbuster” coupons were going to be in shorter supply than the famous FB scratch-off coupons (see below)– I was right.  Once you have a plan in place, Google additional printable coupons– hey, you never know!
• Impulse buy!  When deals are this great, you need to grab first and ask questions later.  There will be no putting it back on the rack and expecting it to be there tomorrow, and many stores will not hold items for you on big sale days like BF.   Not to worry– if the chain is big enough, they’ll take returns– most of them through the end of January for after-Thanksgiving purchases.  When in doubt, make the purchase– especially when it comes to “chance” and one-day coupons.  What do I mean?  Every year, FB hands out scratch-off coupons to the first few hundred customers at each location.  They offer something like 10%, 20%, 30% or 50% off your purchase, or, if you’re really lucky, you can get your entire purchase for FREE.  You won’t know your discount until you get to the register, but if you’re even considering an item, I say– get it.  Who knows?  You could get it for free, or half off.  And if you don’t, and you change your mind?  You can always return it.  (I’m assuming Filene’s Basement will have the scratch-offs again this year, though I haven’t been able to confirm.)

• Let someone else do the driving.  If you live in a major metropolitan area, consider planning your morning around public transportation.  Since Black Friday is, you know, a Friday, most major public transit systems will be running during normal rush hours.  In DC, for example, this means that you can get to most destinations before 6 am.  What’s the advantage?  You won’t have to search for parking on perhaps the very worst parking day of the year.  The disadvantage is that you’ll be lugging your purchases around, but given that they won’t be big-screen TVs, a handy backpack should lighten that load.  If you live in an area that requires a car, see if you can scam a friend into dropping you off at your shopping center of choice.  Worth a shot to avoid parking several states away.   
• When all else fails, go Saturday or go cyber.  Lots of chains have special Black Saturday (?) deals and many now offer many of their Black Friday deals to their customers online– some starting on Thanksgiving Day.  Always an excellent choice for folks who are sized out of brick & mortars, who have disabilities or who would rather shop in their pajamas.  I mean, without anyone seeing them shop in their pajamas.

Just do it!  Share your tips here!  And report back with your awesome finds!  After I take a little Friday afternoon nap, I know I will.

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• Teal knit jersey dress from Gap, (last seen here)– $9.99 on clearance
• Awesome purple hat courtesy of the October clothing swap!–$0!
• Purple patent belt from Steven by Steve Madden via Filene’s Basement– $12
• Purple tights… I honestly forget where and when I got them, but I’d bet about $10 I got them for less than $10
• Green slingbacks (last seen here) from Etienne Aigner via Ross– $16.99

Alright, we’re down to the wire here with The Challenge. At this point I’ve got no shame and nothin’ to lose, so I’m letting it fly.

Even in the cold light of posting photos on the Internet, I am going out on a limb and saying this works. Not that I expect anyone to agree with me.

More than anything, this outfit reminds me of one I’m quite sure did not work. See, I was that girl who read fashion magazines starting around age… oh… 9 or so. And I got a pretty decent idea of how to translate editorial looks into real life starting around age… oh, 27 or so.

In the meantime, it was a real crapshoot. Definitely something with the word crap in it.

Sometimes I pulled it off, but sometimes… Well, stop me if you’ve heard this one.

For my very first junior high dance, I decided I was going all out. I landed on a variation of a look I had seen in Seventeen– a color scheme much like the above.

The end result was kinda like when you were 6 and you decided to bake cookies. You were out of butter, so you substituted margarine. You were out of brown sugar, so you substituted maple syrup. You were out of flour, so you substituted mashed up corn flakes. You were out of vanilla, so you substituted green food coloring. You were out of chocolate chips, so you substituted Monopoly hotels. You weren’t allowed to use the oven, so you used the microwave. Then you wondered why your mom seemed less than thrilled with a lumpy plateful of burnt green plastic-laced cereal.

Think I’m exaggerating? The outfit consisted of the following:

• Jade green sandwashed silk shell (Remember sandwashed silk? One word: 1989)
• Fuchsia suede miniskirt (I have no idea how I afforded this, but I’m guessing it was on the 95% off rack for a reason)
• Purple suede Mootsies Tootsies flats from the actual factory outlet at the actual factory
• Hot pink clip-on earrings
• And, the piece de resistance, elbow-length wool black and indigo houndstooth gloves
• Yes, gloves

This doesn’t even do it justice.  I’m pretty sure there was a hat.

It was… not a good look.

I realized this… about 3 minutes after I walked into the dance.

But you know what? I’m grown now. You and Maria and Funke and Trang can give me the side-eye all you want. I might look silly, but you don’t pay my bills. So finish reapplying your Bonne Bell and take that side-eye back to the junior high dance.

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I know that you’re taking a lot of heat lately for the cover of W. Some people think a huge chunk of your hip is missing. As someone who has worked with fashion photography and digital manipulations for years, it just looks to me like your in contrapposto stance. You were photoshopped, but your hips weren’t the only target. It was the entirety of the image.

Fashion photographers as wildly successful as Mert and Marcus digitally alter the images themselves before handing it off to the client. Mert and Marcus are pioneers when it comes to digital manipulation.

Photos are pre-prepped for final hand off with airbrushing, cropping, neck and torso lengthening, color correction and overall artistic interpretation before they’re handed over to the client. What you’re posting as an original image is the work after the studio does the manipulations. It’s their contribution before handing it off to the client’s art department.

The photo is a brilliant combination of good source material (you), great makeup, lighting, angles, wardrobe… and Photoshop. By the time this photo made it to you and the client, you’d been airbrushed, de-wrinkled, had skin blemishes removed, eye whites lightened, eyes enlarged, teeth whitened, and makeup enhanced. Even though you are thin, I can almost guarantee you that someone saw some problem areas that could be “improved”. They saw clavicles, cheekbones, jawline, muscle tone and neck that could all be “a little more defined” and they did it.

Even more proof that this photo is not an original raw image, when you overlay the W cover and the original, they meet up just about perfectly. That almost never happens when comparing a raw original to a cover.

–End Correspondence–

But that’s not what bothers me, those are the artistic interpretations that every designer has made at some point. We traffic in aspirational imagery. What bothers me is trying to keep the illusion up that a 47 year old woman would look exactly like a 25 year old. She wouldn’t and she can still be beautiful.

It’s bothering me that people would argue that Demi Moore “just has good genes and works out.” The rest of our genes aren’t bad. The rest of us also don’t have 4 hours of professional makeup done to our faces and bodies, aren’t placed under professional lighting, and then have 150 photos of ourselves snapped, until we get the perfect 30 that make it through to the lightening round to choose the one.

That photo isn’t then sent to processing with professional retouching so that we can post pictures to our blogs, driver’s licenses, or photo albums. That’s how the aspirational fashion imagery works. This is the product of the marriage of good talent, not good genes. The ridiculousness of saying, “But I really do look like this?”  with regard to fashion photography is like a lump of half-sculpted clay expressing that it had no help from the sculptor in the sculpture it will become.

I understand that attitude because people like Demi Moore make their living on their images. So, there’s a real hard push to keep the illusion up, because they are profitable products. Very few of us have Pascal Dangin’s on call, but many celebrities do.

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