ANTM: Supermodel of the World

By dottie Thursday November 26, 2009

I know this is extremely late, but it’s National Genocide Day! I had to do all of my cooking on Tuesday night for stupid reasons, so the time I would have spent then making fun of Bloody Eyeball’s Yeti Stomp down the runway had to be spent deboning half a turkey breast for the first time. But I’m here tonight, banning Johnny Mathis from my Pandora Xmas playlist. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but I would rather have a root canal than listen to him jingle his bells. At least you’re numb for the better part of a root canal.

Okay, so the finale happened. There’s not much to say about it, since once it got down to the final two, everybody had a good idea who was going to win. And even if you didn’t, here’s a tip: when they walk into the final deliberation, the girl wearing the better dress is the winner. This has been true for all but two cycles (C8 Jaslene and C9 Saleisha’s dresses were awful but they both had better styling), and I have been foolproof in predicting a winner as a result.

But the interesting thing about Bloody Eyeball’s win is that she’s 5′7″. It was the tallest you could be to participate in the “petite cycle”, but it’s been the minimum height for all other cycles, so she could have won any other cycle. She’s also not the shortest winner! Infamous alum and reported Terrence Howard look-alike Eva from C3 is only 5′6″ and lied about her height to get on the show. So, yes, this cycle was a bust. But when are they not?

Lesson One: Don’t Be a Snot-Nosed Brat

While Bloody Eyeball was struggling with her CoverGirl mascara commercial that will never air, she was warned not to sound too snotty and privileged. Admittedly underprivileged, her response was, “I’d rather have boogers in my nose than sound snotty!” Well, aside from the nasty visual, I appreciate that Bloody Eyeball is concerned about coming off poorly. That was a very un-annoying thing to say.

I don’t get the idea that spokesmodels should be approachable. I don’t know a single consumer who would refuse to buy a product because the spokesperson seemed unrelatable. You know they’re just getting paid to shill. In keeping with the nasal theme, Bloody Eyeball could be picking her nose in the commercial and while I might think she was gross as hell, it wouldn’t affect how I feel about Exact Lash Blast mascara or whatever it’s called. I will purchase it anyway, because I’m a product junkie.

Lesson Two: Sashay, Shante

As time goes on, the final runway walk-off gets worse and worse. In Cycle 4, it was like, “Model in galoshes? …Okay.” Then in Cycle 7, it was “Model in a cave in bridal gear? …Okay.” Last cycle, it was, “Model in some dung? …Okay.”

But this runway wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t good, of course, but walking with a rag over your face into the wind (oh, I’m sorry; “the elements”) is a lot more palatable than writhing in mud. But it does make you wonder what’s to come. Next cycle, watch the final two face off on a cliff while wearing skis! Actually, that would be awesome.

Lesson Three: Hey La, Hey La, Our Boyfriend’s Back

My jaw hit the floor when the pictures for the Seventeen spread were shot by world-renowned fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon! Dude, Gilles Bensimon would appear on the show back when it was hinting at legitimacy. I figured he was part of the deal back when Elle did the winner’s spreads, so I wasn’t shocked when he disappeared after the switch. But to have him suddenly show up again is kind of like when you love someone but things don’t work out and then once you finally get over them, you get a random text message. And for a minute, you’re like, “Should I get reinvested in this?” And you tell yourself you’re too clearheaded to get bogged down in all of the nostalgia, but that only lasts for a couple of days because by the end of the week, you’re right back to drawing hearts around their name and figuring out which of you is going to move into the other’s apartment. So, Gilles Bensimon, I’m putting my foot down. Call it a preemptive strike if you want to, but I’m not going to be moved by your sweet talk until I see some consistency.

Alright. So that’s that. Bloody Eyeball (yes, I’m still calling her that; there’s already a winner named Nicole and it’s just confusing) won and I think she might actually do really well. So if you see her pushing her wheelbarrow through the streets of Milan, give her a high-five. As for me, I’ve got to limber up and prepare myself for Cycle 14. Who’s coming with me?