ANTM: America’s Best Dance Crew

By dottie Wednesday November 18, 2009

First off, I’d just like to apologize for my lateness. I’m tardy for the party because my beloved ‘92 Saturn got stolen for the third time last evening at sundown. Yes, this is a tremendous inconvenience, but not just for me– whoever stole it will surely find out if they haven’t already that my ‘92 Saturn was not worth their thievery. I mean, the driver’s side window doesn’t go down, it burns through oil at record speed, and it can turn off at a moment’s notice. I bought that thing for a hundred dollars and it wasn’t even worth that. So while I wait for the cops to tell me what nearby parking lot it was ultimately abandoned in, let’s revisit last week’s Top Model episode.

Okay, so how shocked was I that my predictions were wrong? But you know, I’m pleasantly surprised. I know Laura’s a fan favorite and Bloody Eyeball, annoying as she is, has taken brilliant pictures all cycle, and if she wins, never having been in the bottom, she’ll join C8 Jaslene and C11 McKey as the only contestants with flawless records. So either way, I know I won’t be as angry as I was when Whitney won over the considerably more deserving Anya in Cycle 10. I’ll be seething over that one until they put me in the ground.

Lesson One: Get It Crunk

For the challenge, the girls had to try their hand at Hip Hop Hula, a hybrid of traditional island dance and, as Jennifer described it, “crunking”. I don’t know how seamless the combination is. It honestly sounds like a terrible exercise class you could take at the local gym when you’re tired of pilates and pole dancing. “I can’t go out for drinks tonight; after work, I’m going to my hip hop hula class, and then I have to hit up Target for some butter knives.” But perhaps what’s even more terrible is watching Bloody Eyeball work her two left feet into a frenzy. I like how she just gave up in the aside and just started doing the robot.

If you’re going to combine hip hop and hula, I say a breakdown with the robot is fair game.

Anyway, Laura won the challenge and chose Jen to share her all expense-paid trip to Hawaii (hey, wait a sec!). Erin, of course, was butthurt because she helped the girls come up with their routines. Why would you help anyone? Everybody knows that if you help out your opponent, they’re going to win. Don’t you watch reality shows, Erin? You should know how it works by now.

Lesson Two: Close Your Mouth

Everybody kept telling Jen to close her mouth during the photoshoot. A quick glance at her portfolio shows that she’s had her mouth open pretty much the whole time. We’ve gotten some nice shots out of the deal, but now that I’m thinking about it, there aren’t that many emotions you can effectively exude with an open mouth. Like try looking sad with your eyes (cryzing?) but leaving your mouth open. Or even actually smizing. It all looks real stupid with an open mouth. An open mouth is all about being sexy. You can’t be demure or coquettish with an open mouth. That’s just sending out mixed signals.

So Jen, I love you, but in retrospect, you were kind of one-note. But hey, it got Whitney the win, so I can’t fault you for trying. And if I see “cryzing” going on at any point next cycle, Tyra, I will be expecting a check.

Lesson Three: When In Doubt, Lie

Speaking of Jen, during elimination, when Tyra was deciding which of her bottom three she was going to rescue from the flaming pit of obscurity, she told Jen that she had fallen off in the last couple of shoots. It’s interesting that she said that, since Jen got first call out and picture of the week last time and, as you’ll remember, she noted she’d never been in the bottom. Meanwhile, Erin rode the bottom all the way to the second to last episode. I wonder if Tyra actually thinks about her critiques before she doles them out, or if she just wings it.

So tonight we find out who accepts the crown. Will it be Laura, accepting on behalf of her designer grandma Wanda Sue? Or will it be Bloody Eyeball, so she can continue being awkward and pretentious in Italian Vogue? Do either of them have a shot at success despite their height? Does anybody care anymore? I sure don’t. I’m just glad this crap is over so I can have my Wednesday nights back. And hopefully this Wednesday night, I’ll have my friggin’ car back.