the pretty year

What’s the deal with jeans? /Seinfeld

• Short-sleeved red sweater with navy trim (purchased here) by Ralph Lauren via Bloomingdale’s– $17.99
• ATL Curvy Bootcut Jeans (last seen alllll the way back here)– $20 on sale
• Silver choker purchased a few years ago at the famous Lake Forest Rummage Sale
• SE Boutique reptile flats (last seen here) via FB– $28

But seriously, what IS the deal with jeans?

Seriously.

Jeans.

Seriously.

Everybody and their momma’s fashion magazines are filled with advice (most of it terrible) on how to find THE jean that will:

1. Slim
2. Lengthen
3. Lift
4. Minimize
5. Maximize
6. Slice
7. Dice
8. Julienne

A few of them make some sort of effort to advise you based on your shape, but we all know how that goes…  It’s never about emphasizing any assets, it’s always about concealing your body’s many egregious crimes against humanity.

Big hips should be hidden, small butts need to be pumped up, short legs need to be lengthened, tummies are out.  God help you if you have more than one of these “figure flaws” in need of a “figure fixin’.”  And of course, plus-sized women only have one shape: plus-sized.  If you have long, skinny legs, don’t worry, they haven’t left you out– you’re “boyish” and clearly in desperate need of feminization.  HTH

I (along with 90% of the population) am so far outside the bell curve I do the pee-dance of excitement when I hear tale of a jean that might actually fit me.  Sadly, the part of my brain reserved for thinking about jeans and pricing kitchen utensils is littered with the corpses of potential pairs that didn’t pan out.  Lane Bryant Right Fit Blue?  Too big and too stretchy.  Joe’s Jeans Honey “Booty Cut?” Gets the boot.  The House of Dereon*?  A house of lies!!!!  Beyonce herself couldn’t squeeze those hips into a pair if she was coated in Pink Oil.

I am not going to lie– I was so desperate I almost dropped $75, sight unseen, on a pair of jeans designed by Deelishis.  Deelishis, people!  But apparently they were only actually for sale for three days last March on Platform 9 3/4.

I’m glad to see that retailers are s-l-o-w-l-y picking up on the idea that people come not only in sizes, but in shapes.  Unfortunately, those shapes (aka Regular and Curvy) seem to take only hip-to-waist ratio into account, glossing over differences in thigh size, leg length and proportion, etc., and pretty much ignoring anyone who has hips/butts equal to or smaller than their waists– or more than 10-12″ bigger, like, say, me (mine are about 14-15″ bigger).

The jeans I’m wearing here are Ann Taylor Loft’s “Curvy” cut, and I want to be clear that I’m not downing them (totally decent, plus they come in petite and tall), but they still squeeze my hips and pad my waist with the excess fat, so… not ideal.  If you have closer to a 10-12″ waist-hip differential, I think they’re a totally excellent choice.

But for me?  So far I’ve only found one pair of jeans that really comes close to julienning– and they’ve busted all to heck.

I’m going to try and patch them this weekend, but it will be a dicey experimental surgery.  I’d like to give up on jeans altogether, but I doubt I ever truly will, for the same reason every magazine does its Big Jean Story every season– it’s the one garment that “goes with everything.”  And as such, jeans are loaded with expectations they can’t possibly fulfill.  But, ooh, boy, that promise sure is sweet!

How about you?  Have you ever found a pair of jeans that really live up to the hype?  How do you find them?  Does it take decades of trial-and-error?  A tailoring genius?  Dumb luck?

I ain’t too proud to beg!

–

*To be “fair,” Dereon by House of Dereon (the cheaper line) actually sorta accommodates booty.  Which opens up a whole ‘nother can of sociologically-minded worms about why cheaper lines are cut curvier, but that’s a post for another day.

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