ANTM: Go See About Me « The Pretty Year

ANTM: Go See About Me

By dottie Tuesday October 20, 2009

Yeah, yeah; here we go again.

But don’t worry, this one is going to be quick because this wasn’t a particularly exciting episode. Plus, I’m a little hungry and once I start thinking about curly fries, it’s hard to stay on track. Why are curly fries so much better than any other kind of fries? Is it that cutting the potato into a curl releases some kind of chemical compound that, upon oxidation, creates the deliciousness? Why are we spending all of this money on the space program when there are potato-based mysteries right here on Earth we need to be solving? Where are my taxes going? Who is in charge here? Where is Obama when we need him?!

Tyra is not an acceptable substitute, but she’ll have to do for now.

Lesson One: Maps Are For Poor, Ugly People

So the girls went on go-sees in pairs and had to drive themselves. But that’s not the horrifying part, especially since go-sees have happened under far more grueling circumstances, like on foot or in tut-tut hoopties. They actually gave the girls maps and told them not to use any GPS devices, and it was like they’d said to use the insides of orange peels to guide them instead. Everybody I know who’s used GPS technology has complained about getting lost with it. You know what’s never gotten me lost? A map! Even if I some how end up off my course, a map has always helped me to get back on track. So big ups to all my cartographers holding it down in the streets, because a map has never done me wrong.

Lesson Two: Be Fashionably Late

Even with the cars and the maps, Rae and Sundai couldn’t hack the Los Angeles traffic and ended up being late on their way back to the Wilhelmina offices. Now, if you watch the show enough, you’ll know that being late is an extremely bad thing. You will get cussed out, you will lose your rights to the prize, you will look bad in front of industry people. You don’t want to be late coming back! Yet every cycle, without fail, at least one contestant (and, in the case of Cycle 6, all of them) will experience that painful sting in the face of tardiness.

I don’t know what needs to be done to get these girls in order. Maybe not putting them in contrived situations for dramatic effect and just dropping them off from the limo. But that would minimize the humiliation and the more legit this show becomes, the less interested I am in watching it. International Top Model franchises, I am looking directly at you.

Lesson Three: Everybody Must Get Stoned

I don’t mind that Bloody Eyeball won the go-see challenge. Oh, also, I refer to her as Bloody Eyeball so often that the other day, when I read something about the show and they said “Nicole”, I was like, “Who the hell is Nicole?”

But I had to call shenanigans when the commercial people loved her. The girl is flat. Nigel says she sounds like a stoner, but she sounds more like a houseplant. A goth houseplant. Like a tiny cactus that sits on a windowsill all by itself, resigned to a life of waterlessness and solitude.

She is annoying.

Well, anyway, we’re down to seven with Kara gone (you won’t even miss her)! There was something about her face that I enjoyed on an aesthetic level, though. Her face was really late ’80s/early ’90s cigarette ad, made for a harem pant with an ankle boot and a cropped jacket. Isn’t it annoying that you could walk out the door wearing that right now today and everybody would be talking about how chic you are? Get fresh at the weekend, everybody. I’m out ’til next week.