the pretty year

Having been raised by a makeup-wearing mother who is also a doctor, I grew up skeptical of snake oil salesmen wearing lab coats. I check for peer-reviewed studies to back up claims made by the manufacturers of every Pro-Meroxylmelite SuperAntioxidant Youth Lifting Serum Cream with Acai Berry before I even consider parting with my hard-earned cash.

But there are a few products– some you have definitely heard of, and some you may not have– which I feel comfortable giving the Official Michelle Seal of Approval. And coming from a incredibly cheap, brand-disloyal beauty skeptic, my Accept No Substitutes stance means something.

I hereby recommend the following products at every price point without qualification*:

Retin-A and its derivatives are pretty much the only topical treatments clinically proven to jumpstart new collagen production in your skin, which is why tretinoin, their active ingredient, is the darling of dermatologists far and wide. Because it’s so incredible at promoting skin cell turnover, it’s great for clearing up acne, diminishing discoloration and old scars and preventing and “fading” fine lines. In the US, tretinoin requires a prescription, and if you do have insurance, it may not be covered if you are 26 or older (at that age, they figure you’re using it for wrinkles and not for acne). I buy mine from the reputable drugstore.com, where a 45-gram tube (currently listed at $73.49) lasts me at least a year, no lie.

Talk to your dermatologist, boilerplate boilerplate sun sensitivity**, but from my perspective, nothing beats it. And though not cheap, it’s no more expensive than two or three of those much smaller tubes of over-the-counter (and much less effective) retinoids from brands like L’Oreal and Neutrogena. We won’t even get into La Mer. Personally, every time I try some much-touted OTC anti-aging/-acne product, it’s a big old meh– and I finally figured out why. When you’re already using something as powerful and effective as tretinoin, nothing you can buy without a prescription is going to make a noticeable incremental difference in your overall glowiness.

When I first visited my old dentist, who had no hygienist and preferred to clean her patients’ teeth herself, she asked me if I used a Sonicare. “How did you know?” I asked. “I have nothing to do. You people are going to put me out of business.”

Granted, I’m the kind of irritating, genetically gifted person who didn’t get a single cavity until she was 21, but considering I’m 31 and I’ve never had a root canal, I think it’s fair to give my Sonicare some of the credit. Given my incredibly short attention span, my favorite part is the– hey, look at that dog with the puffy tail!– 2-minute timer, which helps keep my full attention on each quarter of my my mouth for a full 30 seconds. Philips‘ various models can run upwards of $100, but there’s always a deal to be had in the $50 range, so do a little digging and save yourself the cash. Your teeth will thank me!

Around $20, there are two products I can’t live without– or at least would strongly prefer not to. If you haven’t heard of the Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler, then what are you doing reading this blog? Please, don’t waste your rumspringa here when you can be using electricity for so much more exciting things. If you don’t own a SU curler, what are you waiting for? Danged if I know what special eyelash-related pixie dust they use to do it, but no other eyelash curler does what the Shu Uemura does. And what it does is curl your lashes in a couple of quick, painless squeezes. I left my SU at my grandmother’s house, so I figured I’d use a brand new Revlon curler I had in my drawer for backup. I had forgotten how it had been in the bad old days– squeezing lashes for 15-20 seconds at a time, increasing the chances of pulling them out, and lashes that don’t stay curled for nearly as long.

My other recommendation at this price point is for the Tweezerman point tip tweezer.  Definitely for the more advanced plucker, but I love it for the way it ferrets out hairs just barely peeking out from above the skin line.  If you’re less vigilant, the Tweezerman slant-tip tweezer is still stronger and more accurate than 99% of tweezers on the market.  You can buy both via drugstore.com for around $20, but I get mine (every few years) from Bed, Bath and Beyond, where I can always use one of those ubiquitous $5 or 20% off coupons to snag one for about $15.

Under $10, nothing beats Moisture Shave by Kiss My Face.  Sort of a slippery lotion that gives me a super-close shave with zero hassle, it comes in delicious scents like Key Lime and Cool Mint, as well as Unscented.   Better than anything else I’ve tried, and a $5-8 11 oz. pump bottle lasts me 6-9 months.

But you really can’t beat free, and this is where I share a bit of wisdom that you may have already gleaned from a fashion mag (but which, I like, totally came up with first).  If you’re shiny like me, there’s nothing that removes an facial oil slick in a pinch like a toilet seat cover.  Yes, that’s right.  Just make sure it’s unused (and if you’re really, um, anal retentive, grab the one behind the first one in the dispenser).  Removes about half the shine and costs you nothing.  Just do it in the stall, or you’ll get looks.   I carry Clean & Clear’s Oil Absorbing Sheets as backup, but hey– that’s 10 cents a sheet.  Seat covers are free!

*I mean, unless you’re in any way different from me, in which case these things might not work for you– what can I say?

**But really, you should be wearing broad spectrum sunscreen anyway– yes, even if you’re darkskinned, at least on your face.

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