the pretty year

So the twelfth cycle of America’s Next Top Model started on Wednesday night, and since then I have been agonizing over how to effectively explain Top Model as a viewing experience. First, if you don’t already, you have to start reading Rich’s recaps over at his blog, FourFour (he also blogs for VH1’s Celebreality, if you’re into that sort of thing). A former roommate of mine has never seen an episode and asked me what it was all about, and I didn’t know what to tell her. How can you describe loving a show with a host who’ll put on a gold toga and proclaim herself the Goddess of Fierce and you still find it neither entertaining nor surprising? How can you describe a modeling competition that would put epileptic Isabella on a strobe-lit runway? You know if anything happened that Tyra would tell her to maintain fierceness and model through her seizure.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9MQ1t1uVAc&hl=en&fs=1]

Though I’m sure it’s been used as a punchline in other seasons, we have an actual burn victim this time. Thalia says she wants to represent girls who are scarred and show them that they’re still beautiful. That might be true, but she seems to have forgotten this is an industry that has yet to adequately accept women of color, women that are trans and other marginalized people. You can’t fault her for trying, but if they’re going to have a problem with some of that other stuff, some scars they can photoshop out are the least of your worries.

Honestly, aside from those two discoveries, Wednesday’s show was really boring. Here are my predictions:

Sandra is bringing the stank right now, but with her terrible walk and bad photoshoot, she’s not long for this competition… which means one of the other girls will emerge as the real antagonist of the season. Celia’s old but seems cool and genuinely interested in fashion. Scenester evangelist London will probably hit the wall with the inevitable nude shoot, because that’s the one aspect of modeling Jesus isn’t okay with. Teyona looks like an alien but will make the overseas trip. Nijah will rest on “pretty”. Kortnie’s the token plus-sized girl and loves cheesecake. She will get her comeuppance at a go-see where nothing will fit, because that happens in the real modeling world all the time (except not at all). Allison is freaky and
posted all these jacked up pictures of herself on 4chan but people who know her say she’s nice. I call top three for her. Either Fo or Natalie will get the “no drama means no personality” edit and go home prematurely. I love Aminat, though she will get brutalized by her makeover. There’s much to be said about Tyra’s apparent aversion to gorgeous natural hair but I’ll spare you for now. If I’m missing someone, it just goes to show how memorable they are. Hopefully the season won’t be as tragically pointless as the premiere. I’m not used to struggling to find things to say about this show.

Related posts:

1. ANTM: Short Course
2. America’s Next Top Model Ep. “Do you light the way I look?”
3. ANTM: Dancin’ Fools
4. ANTM: Go See About Me
5. ANTM: And… Scene