In today’s LMFMTM (gesundheit!), we take on the lieingest lie that ever lied. Those two little words you love to loathe. That’s right, I’m talking about “Universally Flattering.” Possibly the world’s most seductive contradiction– I do believe in fairies!– it’s a straight up, baldfaced untruth. Say it with me, folks: nothing is universally flattering.
Most things described as such fit one of two categories– they really do kinda work for at least 80% of the population, or they flatter the demographic most beloved by advertisers. The former is stretching the truth– the latter is just insulting to anyone who is bigger, darker, older or less affluent than, say, Scarlett Johansson.
In the spirit of Every Women’s Magazine Ever, I give you: the Universally Flattering Hall of Fame Shame. On the off-chance you have not heard of these, the UF All Stars, hey, give them a try– you never know! If they have, as I suspect, broken your heart, please join me for a cup of haterade.
5) Empire waists. Yes, yes, they’re lovely. Unless you have big boobs and a small everywhere-else. Then you just look like you’re about 38 weeks along. And nursing. At the same time. Also not a good idea for: women whose waists narrow closer to their bellybuttons than their ribcages.
Cute, but not necessarily on you.
4) NARS blush in Orgasm. Yeah, it works for me. But if your skin is darker or more yellow/olive-toned than Angelina Jolie’s, maybe not. I’ll never forget when one of my favorite magazines raided one (Filipina) woman’s purse and found an unflattering “peach blush” that they advised her to immediately throw into the deepest possible ocean. My eagle eye identified it as none other than the same blush that won their “Reader’s Choice” Award a few months earlier. Yes, it’s NARS BLUSH IN ORGASM. Honorable Mention: BeneFit’s BeneTint. A lovely products, but if you’re very lightskinned, it’s clown city.
Might not live up to its name.
3) A-line dresses and skirts. Yeah… No. Not if your hips are bigger than the a-line. I speak from experience. Also not-so-universally-flattering: dresses and skirts cut on the bias.
May look fabulous on everyone in the world but Michelle. Not that she's bitter.
2) Foundations that claim to “adjust to your skintone.” I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe them. ‘Nuff said. No, seriously: How would that even work?
...and cocoa butter prevents stretchmarks. For reals.
1) Navy, burgundy, moss, etc., etc.. There is no universally flattering color, so don’t even start. Moss makes more than one of my closest friends look like they’ve been dipped in motor oil, and not in the good way. Pro-tip: Even if you’re as pure as the driven snow, or as stately as Queen Victoria, you may be better off with an off-white wedding dress. Trust me, ivory is like, universally flattering or something.
Use caution when not resembling Halle Berry.
Related posts:
- The five stages of fashion frustration
- Magazine Roundup [insert reference to cattle herdin']!
- Magazine Roundup, Yippee-kay-yay!
- Magazine Roundup: Lucky, May 2009
- 11 of 250
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